I was once one of this world’s fatal error. I’m a product of a broken home. My dad have to work abroad since I was a baby to meet our financial needs. My parents seperated when I was in High School. At the early age I developed wrong views about life that resulted to self doubt and insecurities. I suffered the consequences of that brokeness that led me into a world of fear.
These problems manifested in my relationships with people. To my family, classmates and friends. I tried to isolate myself from them as much as possible, fearing that if I don’t measure up their standards I would be rejected by them. A lot of times, being independent became a cover up. I didn’t share what I really felt inside but tried to work things out on my own, trying to put things back into a whole, be perfect and fine.
Comparison became my favorite past time. I remember feeling frustrated whenever someone could do what I could not. When this would happen, I placed the blame on my situation at home or with my family. I hated home so much, tried to look for attention to other people, seek peace and love. I didn’t even noticed the decay of my vision and lost of my way. I’m not even sure how I can explain it to myself. I wanted to be happy. I wanted some peace and serenity in my life. I wanted it that I even tried to end my corrupted life, thought that it’s my only escape.
Then came a turning point. During my fourth year in high school, I was required and strongly encouraged to participate a yearly retreat for graduating students. The retreat sessions started, had no idea what will happen next.
The heavy baggage I have inside of my heart was too much that even before Pastor Leo asked us who wants to lift their burdens upon the Lord, I’m already crying. I can’t help to cry and ask for forgiveness for everything. I’ve been so stubborn and selfish. And as I cry I felt that very moment, there is someone Who is greater listening to my heart’s simple prayer: “God, take all of these. Take me out from here. I surrender.”
More and more tears ran to my face as Pastor Leo prayed for each of us. But as he was praying for me, he covered three things that struck me the most. “This is the word of God for you, Jen: You are beautiful, my daughter. Your life is my masterpiece —full of colors and variety of schemes. I love you so much.” Words that helped me change the whole perspective I’ve developed about myself.
I discovered the most wonderful truth a person could ever knew: that Jesus Christ died on the cross to take away the weight of my world and His everlasting love for me is real. “As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.” (Isaiah 40:11) That very day December 11, 2008, I made a decision of letting God take over my life. I lay down at His feet all the walls I’ve built up inside, my earthly crown and all of my desires.
Things began to change slowly with my attitude as I learned more about who I am before God because of what He has done for me. I became more aware that I am His precious child created and designed for God’s glory. Jeremiah 31:3 states that, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” I am forgiven by His grace and that God delights in me.
Knowing about these things was truly overwhelming. I was amazed at how I fell deeply in love with Jesus Christ. Listening, reading, talking, sharing, singing, praying…it all overtook me. It overwhelmed my life in a way that I could’ve never imagined. I realized that, because I love God, I need to change my life for Him. It just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I started making changes every day; looking to Him when I made the smallest of decisions. Since then, I’ve been studying the Bible and I can say, gladly, that God has consumed my life. He has become the most important part of my entire life and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I began to be myself and stop doing things in my own effort. I released forgiveness and decided to love my parents even more and lifted up all of my cares upon Him. I started to develop confidence in the talents and abilities God has given me. The things I have seen Him do are so amazing.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)
This is my God. He makes all things new. He heals the brokenhearted. He give hope to the hopeless. He loved me away from suicide. He spoke to me tenderly and led me out of mediocrity.
Truly, I am alive by His grace and blessed by His mercy.